Ralph's Page:
a reluctant attribute of 
TANGLED REALITIES

   RALPH'S MOTTO: I claw at your unbelieving mind.

   A note from Ralph: You really didn't think I would discuss anything serious, did you? I'm a cat so you will get nothing but whatever my goober can create.  (Curator's note: see Ralph's Clog and catcam below)  If you get tired of reading my drivel then at least look at my headcam for a fresh perspective on the real world, or if you're desperate, bore yourself with the gibberish cranked out by my humans.
   And by the way, a lousy $5 will not begin to cover my swirly clean-up bills, ( see the Do Not Push page to figure out what Ralph is complaining about ).  Put this in your calculator and get out your wallet:

1. manicurist, $5/paw (that's $20, moron)

2. pelt stylist, $150/pelt (Mr. Lickey-Doo of course)

3. exclusive cat spa to untangle my nerves, $500/weekend (near the beach in Ft. Lauderdale, of course)

4. pet therapest to get my head back where it belongs, $25/session, (depends on who has the cushiest couch)

5. Fork it over now buster and save yourself a call from my lawyer, another $500/complaint.

6. or if you can't swing that I will settle for a can of Fancy Feast and a few chinny-chucks.

   I got to pick the fish to go all the way in 4 straight.  My bookie is being a real hard a-- and won't let me ride on the cuff.  Maybe I can slip a few bills out of my owner's purse and repay her before she notices.  The Marlins are a sure thing.  I'm going to Hawaii.

   I don't know how she did it but here is a ralphgram from dream land.

Ralph's remote catcam

   Mmmmmmmm.....so nice to be pampered again.  I feel lucky.  My humans actually let me back in and now they are gushing on me like they used to.  Oh well, I guess I can stand a little gushing since I'm being spoon fed my favorite treat.  I guess they missed me.  Sigh......it is kinda nice to be missed and fussed over.  Maybe I should be a better kitty.  I try.....when I can.

Ralph's remote catcam

   Hurrah!  At last I'm almost there!  I can see the gates of paradise!  Open up in there and let a poor tired, hungry kitty in!  I never thought this dump would look so good to me.  I didn't mean all of that stuff I said about watching cops haul you away.  What if they did?  Who would feed me?  Oohhhhhhh......I hope my humans are still here.  I be good now......promise.

Ralph's remote catcam

   I'm getting nowhere.  It's time to get some real wheels and roll outta here.  If a stupid human can work the pedals and turn the wheel on this funny contraption, then there's no reason why I can't do it too.  Let's see, first I have to reach the pedals and somehow stretch up to grab this big wheel..........hmm......maybe another paw or two would help.  I'll have to find a confederate who is willing to help me "borrow" the human thingy.  We could go for a joy ride and run over a few stupid squirrels while we are at it.
   Hey you out there!  Wanna go for a ride!  Its Friday night!  We can get our kicks and I can get home in time to see the cops haul my humans away for cruel and unusual treatment of a cat.

Ralph's remote catcam

   This is the kind of cooperation I like to see.  Anything I want......wow, where do I start?  First I want a big fat super cushy pillow to lay on and then I want the finest tuna money can buy.  When I am done eating all I want, I want my owners hauled before me in chains so that I may give them a big piece of my mind about being abandoned.  Next, I want to be crowned queen of the universe so I can command a little respect around here.  Once I rule the world then there will be a lot of bowing and scraping from all humans.  I will put them all in their place and make all cats members of my court of rulers.
   What the heck!  The little sign says closed and no one is answering my requests.  Wouldn't you know it!  I get the chance to rule the universe and the damn place is closed.  What rotten luck.  I'm just going to sit here until someone comes out and gives me everything I want.  I deserve!

Ralph's headcam*

   Oh thank the cat goddess!  Finally, a place to eat!  I've been stumbling and clawing my way through nasty woods, fighting off hostile cats, mean dogs and yelling humans for hours.  I am soooo tired and hungry.  I could eat an entire giant can of tuna.  Open up!  Here I come!  Just point me at the tuna and I will take care of the rest.  
   Hello?  Why is no one coming out to greet me with open arms and saying, "Aw, look at the poor little starved kitty.  She looks like she's been through a war.  Break out that special can of tuna we've been saving and get the extra thick cushy pillow ready for this very cute and needy cat."  I'm sure some one will be coming out the door any moment now.  If only I can make it to the door, they will be sure to see me.  You do see me don't you?  You had better be open or there is going to be a very pissed off cat out here shredding your front door with frantic clawing. 

Ralph's remote catcam

   There's that noise again.........sshhhh......I'll be still and maybe it will go away.  What if its a giant cat-eating bear and he is ready to pounce on me?  Oh crap, I don't want to be bear food.  I haven't even had a chance to write my memoirs.  Where are the boy scouts when you need them?  Roughing it is for the dogs.  I want my cushy beds at home.

Ralph's remote catcam

   Lucky for me I found this tent in that so-called school.  I couldn't stay in that stinky place another minute so here I am camping out.  My humans abandoned me to the cruel elements but I am cat and I am tough.  They will be sorry they did this because I am going to get back home no matter what it takes.
   So what if I am a city cat, I can make it on my own.  All I need is a little food and a cushy to sleep on.  Let's see....where is the kibble dish in this tent?  It has to be here.  I ordered tuna on toast after I set up the tent.  Boy, the service is not so great out here.  I will have to give the tent maker a call tomorrow.  I can't find a cushy either.  Wouldn't you know I would get a defective tent.  What luck.
   What is that weird noise?.......maybe I will just pull these flaps shut and everything will be alright..........maybe I will just scoot to the back here and hide under this clump of grass..........it sure is dark out there..........I wouldn't mind a little company right now..........eek.

Ralph's remote catcam

   Okay, so I can't afford a hoity-toity prep school but this is ridiculous.  My humans told me they had found the perfect school for a cat of my talents and I totally believed them.  They drove me out in the middle of nowhere and dropped me off in front of this "school".  They shoved me out the door and said something about a school for totally spoiled cats that would be good for me.  I can't see where this would be good for me.  
   Where is the welcoming committee?  the student union?  the totally great dorm room I'm supposed to get?  Hey, where are the rest of the students?  Hello!.......
What is that awful smell?  This place needs some serious work..........What funny looking class rooms.........Sayyyyy..........This place is.......Shit.......I've been had again!

Ralph's remote catcam

   Discrimination!  I tried to apply for admission to an exclusive east coast prep school but I was greeted with these disturbing messages on the school windows.  I can't believe it.  Someone must have tipped them off about my arrival.  I guess my reputation has preceded me, but that's no reason to refuse me a chance to get a higher education.  Cats have a right to get drunk and party just as much as humans.  I am going to complain to my local NAAC* chapter and demand I be admitted.  
   *National Association for the Advancement of Cats

Ralph's headcam*

   What is this stupid stick for anyway, and why do I have to spend MY hard-earned money on something I can't even pick up?
   It's for school?  You aren't still on that back -to-school kick are you?  I can't figure out humans.  First they want to buy a bunch of books and then push this piece of wood around as if they are actually doing something.  Its an okay toy, I suppose, but I can tell you I am going to get bored real quick just batting this pitiful thing around.  If that's all there is to school then I'm way ahead of you, jack.  

Ralph's remote catcam

   My humans uttered that dreaded "back to school" again.  For some unknown reason they think I, the wonder cat, the smartest of all cats in my neighborhood, need to go to school.  All they have to do is see what I've been doing with their books all summer and they will be impressed.  
   Anybody can shuffle through those thin little pieces of paper.  It takes real talent and smarts to be able to scratch the h-- out of that hard covering.  Just look at those fantastic grooves I cut in that bugger.
   What?  There's a quiz on the book tomorrow?  Who cares what it said.  I can't think of anything more boring than trying to figure out all of the human gibberish scratched all inside.

Ralph's remote catcam

   Oh crap, the summer is 2/3rd's gone and I still haven't gotten in my vacation sun tan.  I've got to quit getting into trouble.  I have spent way too much time in stir this summer.  I put in a request for tickets to go to Cancun but my owners nixed that.  I guess I'll have to settle for some quality time in the window.  Ummmm.......sun feel good, pelt getting warm now, formerly feverish goober is beginning to relax......good to take it easy......ummmm.....turn me over later so I can cook the other side.  You can leave a little cat nip tea if you like.........don't expect me to do anything for a while.......okay..........I feel... okay......szzzzz.

Ralph's remote catcam

   Thanks for getting me out of stir.  How was I to know I was being gross?  Well, anyway, I try to be good kitty now.  I sit here and be small and out of sight until humans forget kitty's boo-boo.  The thing is is I am a cat and can I help it if curiosity gets me?  Put warning signs on stuff next time so I will know to not bother it.  I always pay attention to warning signs, especially the one that says, "No cats allowed".  Sure, there has been a few times when I sorta ignored them but I figured it was meant for another cat and not me.  I am special you know.
   So when can I come out of my corner?  

Ralph's remote catcam

   As you can read from the plaintive tone of the ralphgram, the bbq incident did not go over too well with the owners.  I passed it along for any interested readers that might feel sorry for the silly cat and want to put in a good word for her.

Ralph's remote catcam

   Like I said, put more barbecue sauce on here next time.  Just sit down and read a book or something.  This is going to take a while.  If you would give me a cut of the chunks of goodies I saw you put on here, I wouldn't have to spend all day licking my tongue raw trying to get a tiny taste.  
   Whataya mean?  Who cares if no one ever comes over for barbecue again.  Are you trying to say my tongue is unsanitary or something?  

Various amusing? tales and misadventures of Ralph,
as told to her biographer

• Ralph, the true story?
• Ralph or Ralphina
• Ralph in drag
• Ralph: the real story
• The wonder of Ralph's brain 

Additional stuff that Ralph made me post

• Ralph's museum of cat collectibles and other tacky cat related nic-nacs

• Ralph's good buddies photo gallery (send your pet photos so Ralph will have something to paste on her wall)

• Ralph's archive of past mewlings and associated catcam.  (recommended)